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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26363119">Through Song</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritersBlockBites/pseuds/WritersBlockBites'>WritersBlockBites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:20:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,069</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26363119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritersBlockBites/pseuds/WritersBlockBites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A quick expression of emotion &amp; feelings through songs set during Season 8 when Emily was at Interpol and JJ back at the BAU. Implies pre-existing relationship. Jemily.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hi all! This idea just would not get out of my head the past few nights. I have a co-worker who is completely OBSESSED with Taylor Swift (I never knew grown ups could be obsessed with her until I met this friend). She knows every single song and all the lyrics. The other day she was showing me some of her older songs (in an attempt to convince me to be obsessed with Taylor Swift too) that hadn't been very popular and the second I heard these two, this plot just immediately jumped in my head and stayed there.</p><p>So, here you go. This chapter is from JJ's point of view. The second chapter is from Emily's point of view. This implies some sort of relationship between the two of them at some point and in my mind takes place sometime around season 8 when Emily is running Interpol and JJ is at the BAU.</p><p>Words in (   ) are the song lyrics.</p><p>The song is by Taylor Swift and it's called The Moment I Knew.</p><p>Taylor &amp; her production company/record label own the lyrics - not me!</p><p>I also don't own Criminal Minds or the characters :)</p><p>CROSS POSTED ON FF.NET</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>(You should've been there)</p><p>I had been waiting for months for this day because somehow I had gotten in my head that it was our last chance. I'm usually not the type that likes to make a big deal about my birthday. It has nothing to do with aging or anything like that, more the part about being the center of attention that I tend to dislike. I'd spent so many years in front of the camera as a media liaison that the last thing I wanted was to be the individual every person was looking at all night. Unless of course, that person looking at me was you.</p><p>(Should've burst through the door with that "Baby, I'm right here" smile)</p><p>You had this way about you. This face you would make that could say everything you wanted to say without words. It didn't matter where we were, in the privacy of one of our bedrooms or in the middle of the bullpen at work. With a single look I could tell exactly what you were thinking. It was in your smile. The kind you only reserved for me.</p><p>(And it would've felt like a million little shining stars had just aligned)</p><p>My heart would skip a beat every time I saw that smile on your face. It was a single reminder that what we had was special. It would take everything inside of me not to walk right up to you and pull you down so your lips connected with mine so that you could feel exactly what I was feeling too.</p><p>(And I would've been so happy)</p><p>It didn't matter how great the party was or how many people were there. I knew when I agreed to letting the team throw it, that the only reason I was willing to was because of you. Because the only thing in the entire world that I wanted for my birthday, was to be with you.</p><p>(Christmas lights glisten, I've got my eye on the door, just waiting for you to walk in)</p><p>The decor is spectacular, as is every single party ever thrown at Rossi's house. I know that secretly Garcia helped with the planning and decorations because it's just too me for Rossi to have done it all on his own. The backyard is lit up with lights dangling from the trees and the music is playing in the background, just loud enough to be heard but not enough to overpower the conversations going on around. But no matter how breathtaking the view is around me, I can't stop myself from glancing back to the door every few seconds, my heart pounding. Waiting for you.</p><p>(But the time is ticking, people ask me how I've been)</p><p>It's not just the team here to my surprise. When the party was suggested I had never imagined there would be a whole slew of other agents and co-workers that would be invited to celebrate the day with me. I had envisioned something much smaller, but it's a nice distraction for a few moments every time someone I don't see regularly stops over to wish me happy birthday and ask how I'm doing. I don't go into too much detail and I certainly don't mention your name although it's the only thing I can think of.</p><p>(As I comb back through my memory, how you said you'd be here. You said you'd be here)</p><p>I know I didn't imagine it. Sure, I hadn't known there was going to be a party all those months ago, the second to last time we actually spoke, but I know we talked about this day. You had just celebrated your birthday and I was sad that I hadn't been able to see you. It was just another lost moment in a thousand since you had moved across the world. Away from me. You promised me that even though I had missed your birthday, you wouldn't miss mine. You had sounded distant, but I chalked it up to the time change and your busy schedule and didn't read anything into it. Maybe I should have.</p><p>(And it was like slow motion)</p><p>I could feel my heart starting to break inside. As my mind backtracked to that last conversation just a few days later. The way you said I love you and how different it felt from all the thousands of times before. You had told me it was just too hard for you to stay here. Too much. That it wasn't fair to me to wait for you and that you wanted me to move on. That you needed me to move on. That distance between us was too far to keep us together. Maybe I didn't want to believe it at the time. I refused to let it end just like that. I wasn't ready to let you go then and I'm still not ready now.</p><p>(Standing there in my party dress, in red lipstick, with no one to impress)</p><p>I had spent almost a week trying to pick out a dress for this party just because I had the slightest glimmer of hope you would follow through and show up. I had finally settled on a beautiful, tight black dress that showed off every curve of my body, knowing that you used to love to run your hands over them all as we lay in bed together after a night of passion. The entire point of dressing up, for me at least, wasn't to have a night of glamor and glitz. It was to impress you.</p><p>(And they're all laughing, as I'm looking around the room)</p><p>I take a break for a brief second of watching the entrance to glance around. They are all here. Our closest friends, who are closer to family than any blood family I've ever had. Garcia is pulling Morgan around on the dance floor and he looks to be more than a few drinks in but still enjoying the humiliation our bubbly blonde best friend is putting him through. Reid stands with a drink in his hand by the DJ stand, rummaging through the collection of albums and music that is to be offered tonight. I can see him pointing out something to the DJ, most likely a statistic about a particular style or genre of music and a smile peeks through at the corners of my mouth. Rossi and Hotch are standing by the bar, both silent and stoic like the protective parents they deny being.</p><p>(But there was one thing missing)</p><p>But there was still something missing from all of it. And that one thing starts to make my heart ache again and my stomach churn. It brings me all back to that last phone call. That last moment that I hadn't known would be the last one when it was happening. There was something missing not just from the party, but from my heart. That one thing is you.</p><p>(And that was the moment I knew)</p><p>Until that moment I had honestly thought you would show up. I knew Garcia had called to remind you about the party. If anyone was going to convince you to come it was going to be her I figured. I thought that despite everything we had been through in the past year, the ups and the downs and that last conversation where everything shattered when you said you just couldn't do it anymore even though you loved me more than you'd ever loved anyone else in your life, I thought that you would have put it all aside and surprised me, the way you used to.</p><p>(And the hours pass by)</p><p>The party is starting to slow down a little. Most of the people that are just acquaintances are already gone, having come for the food and drinks and to make an appearance almost as if it is a requirement for their job, and not so much for me. I don't mind though. I don't know them anyway really and by this point, I don't know how much longer I can keep up this charade and this media liaison smile.</p><p>(Now I just wanna be alone, but your close friends always seem to know, when there's something really wrong)</p><p>When I finally find myself alone for the first time all night, it's then that I can't stop all the emotions from taking over me. It's like a wave and I have to force myself not to get sick right there on the back patio. As I start to make my way inside the house, not wanting everyone to see me completely lose it, I notice out of the corner of my eye the three of them watching me. They all move to follow me, aware that something just isn't right.</p><p>(So they follow me down the hall)</p><p>As soon as I'm inside, I'm practically running to the bathroom down the hall as the tears that I've been able to hold back all night are barely contained in the corners of my eyes. I don't want them to see me like this and I don't want their comfort. I want yours.</p><p>(And there in the bathroom, I try not to fall apart)</p><p>But I can't even close the door before Garcia pushes it open, with Morgan right behind her and Reid just a few steps behind him. The tears have already started to leak at this point and I lean over the sink, my chest heaving up and down as I try to control my breathing. I pinch my eyes closed, begging them to stay away. But it's no use. I can't stop the sobs that escape from my lips and even as Morgan rubs circles on my back with his hand soothingly and Garcia pulls my hair back from my face to help me get air, the tears only get worse.</p><p>(And the sinking feeling starts, as I say hopelessly, "She said she'd be here")</p><p>They don't have to ask me who I'm talking about. They know. We may not have said it out loud or told them what was exactly happening, but they were the best profilers and tech analyst around. They knew. Of course they did. Garcia immediately tears up and I can see her staring at Reid out of the corner of my eye. Silently asking him to do something. To call you. To beg you to get here. But I think he knows that it's no use.</p><p>(What do you say, when tears are streaming down your face, in front of everyone you know?)</p><p>They ask me what they can do to help. But I honestly can't even form words right now. My heart is broken beyond repair as I realize that I just lost not just the woman I love but the best friend I've ever had also. I want to scream but the only things that comes out is more sobs. There isn't anything they can do. The only thing that can help me right now is you.</p><p>(And what do you do when the one who means the most to you, is the one who didn't show?)</p><p>It takes several long minutes before I can finally calm down enough to stop actually sobbing. Then I spend the next minutes trying to catch my breath. Trying to remember how to breathe without you as my other half. Because even though we hadn't been together as lovers for a while now, we had still somehow been together, connected as friends, partners, for as long back as I could remember. You were the one person in the world I felt like could look at me and see right through me. The one person that knew me better than I knew myself.</p><p>(You should've been here, and I would've been so happy)</p><p>For a split second I let myself imagine how differently things would have been if you would have shown up tonight. How I would have seen you walk through that door and our eyes would have instantly caught one another. How I wouldn't have been able to control the emotions inside of me upon seeing your face for the first time in a year and I would have run to you. How you would have caught me in your arms and dipped me as you kissed me. Saying fuck the world to everyone else around and finally letting the truth of our feelings be known to the masses.</p><p>(And it was like slow motion)</p><p>I am finally able to stop crying and Garcia helps me fix my face in hopes that everyone remaining at the party won't notice that not only did I disappear for a good amount of time, but that I had a full brown panic attack break down in the bathroom. It's hard to hide the redness from my eyes that can only come from crying, but I finally am able to suck it all up once again and I let Garcia lead me out of the bathroom and back to where the rest of our family is waiting for us.</p><p>(Standing there in my party dress, in red lipstick, with no one to impress)</p><p>The walk back to the backyard I'm still trying to pull myself together a little bit. Reid is just inside and he holds out his arm for me to latch onto, a silent reminder that he loves me and is there for me, even if he knows he isn't the person I want.</p><p>(And they're all standing around me singing, "Happy birthday to you")</p><p>I hear the tune being sung off key by the dozen or so remaining party goers as I plaster on my fake smile and head toward the cake now in the center of the table with candles glowing beautifully. The moment is beautiful and for a split second, I forget how sad I am and allow myself to take in the moment for what it is. An amazing evening spent with the people that have always had my back.</p><p>(But there was one thing missing, and that was the moment I knew)</p><p>But it's only a split second, before I remember instantly the one thing that is missing that would make this moment perfect. Make it complete. They finish the song and tell me to make a wish. I close my eyes, and still despite everything, despite you not being here, the only thing I can possibly wish for, the only thing I could ever want is what comes to my mind.</p><p>You.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter is from Emily's point of view.</p><p>Words in (   ) are the song lyrics.</p><p>The song is by Taylor Swift and it's called I Almost Do.</p><p>Taylor &amp; her production company/record label own the lyrics - not me!</p><p>I also don't own Criminal Minds or the characters :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>(I bet, this time of night you're still up)</p><p>I glance at the clock to see the time, and realize only as I am glancing at it that I'm actually looking so that I can calculate what time it is where you are. It's beyond late there. The time difference always reminds me just how far away you are when I think about the fact that I just poured my first cup of coffee and started on my work day and you are barely wrapping up your night from the day before. But even as far away as you are, I know you are still awake. I can feel that you are.</p><p>(I bet, you're tired from a long hard week)</p><p>I can only imagine how exhausted you must be. I know how hard that job is. It was one of the reasons I had to walk away from it. From you. It just gets to be so much sometimes and it's almost like you never know what it feels like to not be tired. Though, you were always stronger than me. You were always capable of going non-stop if it was what was needed from you. You were always the best of us, especially when it came to you and me.</p><p>(I bet, you're sittin' in your chair by the window, looking out at the city)</p><p>I imagine you are finishing up paperwork in your office right now. You always were a night owl. You used to love to sit there in the darkness of the night and watch the cars below from your window. There was something about it that made you feel calm and peaceful. I never understood it exactly, but I know we had some of our best moments together right there, on nights like this, in the darkness and silence of your office watching the city, my arms wrapped around you in a warm embrace.</p><p>(And I bet, sometimes you wonder 'bout me)</p><p>I imagine that you think of me from time to time when you are having nights like these. That you might stare out that window and remember what it felt like to be in my embrace. You probably wonder what you ever did to deserve how I ended things. How I could possibly claim to love you and do what I did. And you deserve to be told. You deserve an explanation and there is nothing more in the world I wish I could do than give that to you, except maybe take it all back instead.</p><p>(And I just wanna tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you)</p><p>Instinctively, I pick up the phone to dial your number. I am pretty sure I can't live another second without hearing your voice, without knowing how you are and if you are actually thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about you. It's been too damn long already and I know that I'm the only one to blame for the distance that now separates us. Because it isn't just the miles or the time, but it's also that undeniable connection that we used to thrive on to keep us going through the impossibly dark days that has been severed.</p><p>(And I wish I could run to you)</p><p>For a brief moment I consider not even bothering to call. To instead just jump on the jet and tell the pilot to take me to you. I want to say I can drop everything I've created and worked for here, give it all up so that I can close that gap between you and me again. I want that, more than anything. To not care about all of this and for that split second, I want to be selfish. I want to surprise you on your doorstep and when you answer take you in my arms and kiss you so that you'll know just how much I wish I never ended things between us.</p><p>(And I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do, I almost do)</p><p>But before I dial the last number, I am snapped out of my illusion. I know it is too late to go back now. It's why I had to end it when I did, because I knew that the longer I let things go the way they were going, the harder it was going to be for you. I knew I could never make you happy with things this way. Me here, you there. It wasn't what you wanted. Wasn't what you needed. Wasn't what you deserved. You deserve the world and I just couldn't stay there to give it to you. So I hang up the phone.</p><p>(I bet, You think I either moved on or hate you)</p><p>It's been so long since I've heard your voice. I know I told you I wanted you to move on, to be happy. That I needed to do the same. But the truth is, I could never move on from you. You were the first and only woman I've ever loved. You are the only woman I ever want to love. I honestly didn't even believe in love until I met you and you showed me what it truly meant to love another person. I will always be thankful for that, and I will always be thankful for the time I got to be loved by you. I hope you realize that what I did, I did out of love for you, for wanting you to have the best life possible, and not out of hatred or anger.</p><p>('Cause each time you reach out there's no reply)</p><p>You called once a week for the first several months after it all ended. But the frequency and regularity of the calls slowly diminished as time passed. After I missed your birthday party, I knew deep down I had made a huge mistake. The pain in your voice when you left that voice mail in the wee hours of the night after the party had ended. I could hear the tears forming in your eyes and the misery in your heart as you told me that I had destroyed you by not being there. As you described in grave detail the shattering of your heart, all because of me.</p><p>(I bet, it never ever occurred to you)</p><p>I know you think that the least I could do is pick up the phone when you call. I mean, we were best friends before we were lovers and what would it hurt to say hello once and awhile and catch up. I know you think you need that, and maybe I do too. I would love to know how things are going at work. If Hotch is still barely cracking a smile and if Morgan and Garcia are still up to their usual antics. To hear about all the crazy statistics Spencer has used to solve the most unsolvable of crimes and if Rossi is close to marrying wife number 4. I want to know you that are doing alright. That you are able to smile and laugh and enjoy time with your friends still and that I haven't destroyed you completely. But it isn't as simple as a phone call anymore, as much as I wish it could be.</p><p>(That I can't say "Hello" to you, And risk another goodbye)</p><p>Because if I pick up that phone, I know it will break me. I know that if you asked me to, I would drop everything and come running into your arms even though it's not what you really need. I know the second that we start to talk again that everything I feel I won't be able to hide away any longer. It will escape from the tiny box I've shoved it into inside of me. Saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I have ever done and I don't think I have another goodbye in me.</p><p>(Oh, we made quite a mess, babe)</p><p>If only we could have figured out our feelings sooner. Why did it take us so damn long to say those first 'I love you's'? And even after we did, why were we both so scared of what it actually meant? If only we had been able to be honest about it to everyone around us, to have their support and strength to keep us going when things got so out of control. When the distance and the stress of both of our jobs started tearing us apart until the only logical thing to do was end it before both of us were destroyed.</p><p>(It's probably better off this way)</p><p>This is what is best for you though, and I've come to terms with that. I know that by letting you go, I've shown you how much I love you, even if you don't see it right now. You can meet someone new, someone who can give you exactly what you need every single day. The person that can be there to hug you when you have had a rough case and just need to unwind. I wish I could have stayed and been that person for you, but after everything that happened, being there was just too damn hard.</p><p>(And I confess, babe, in my dreams you're touching my face)</p><p>And even though I know I did what I did for you, my dreams of you haunt me. You are always there in them, looking as beautiful as ever with your sparking blue eyes staring deeply into mine. I can feel the fire your touch on my skin creates and it makes me feel alive again, something I haven't felt since I left the States and moved to this cold and dreary town.</p><p>(And asking me if I wanna try again with you)</p><p>You always beg me to stay with you, or the you in my dreams. As if the dreams are our only connection anymore. They feel so real, like you are really there with me in them. Every time you ask me to stay with you, it takes every ounce of strength I have to not comply. I would give you the world if I could, but I know that I can't. I'm not the person that can give you everything you deserve. So instead, I open my eyes, which are always filled with tears immediately after waking, knowing that I can now only see you in my dreams.</p><p>(And I almost do)</p><p>But there is a split second between the moment I wake up and that moment of reality and clarity that I consider giving in again. That I consider I've made a mistake and that perhaps there could be some way to make it work between us. But I know that if we try again, it will only hurt us more. I'm still here and you are still there and I can't be with you when you need me. And while I know you would say you didn't care, that having me on the phone is better than not having me at all, I also am aware of the fact that you have a habit of not thinking of yourself first.</p><p>(And I just wanna tell you, It takes everything in me, not to call you)</p><p>My mind runs through a conversation with you over and over again. Every time I think I've worked up the courage to call, a new scenario plays out and it stops me in my tracks, usually just before the final number is pressed on the keypad. I wish I could just turn my mind off and dial the number to the very end and let whatever happens, happen. But I hate not having a plan and unfortunately, not knowing what you would say if I did call means there is no amount of planning I can do.</p><p>(And I wish I could run to you)</p><p>What I wouldn't give to have one last kiss. One last moment of pure bliss with you. To feel every emotion and all that passion as your lips caress mine. To see that look in your eye that tells me just how you feel without any words. It was always in your eyes, and it was your eyes that had drawn me to you in the first place. When you look at me, it is the only time I ever truly feel alive. So while I can't have one last kiss with you, I hold onto the memory of the first, and the thousands in between that one and the end.</p><p>(And I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do, I almost do)</p><p>There isn't a single day that I haven't thought of you since our last conversation. Sometimes it's a brief memory that brings a smile to my face. Something funny you said or did or the way you crinkled up your nose when Garcia and Morgan talked using their usual banter. Sometimes it's the memory of your strength that keeps me going throughout the day. On the cases that are really complex and difficult, I often think, what would she do? Because even though Reid is a genius and Hotch and Rossi have been at this a long time, you were always the most natural. You were always the one that shined the brightest.</p><p>(I bet, this time of night you're still up)</p><p>I glance at the clock again. Barely any time has passed. I know you are still in your office, hoping that the next case doesn't come too quickly so that you can maybe catch a few hours of sleep before you have to get up and go again, though you know that's not likely going to happen. Just as soon as you finish this one, there will be another, as serial killers don't take vacations. Somewhere, deep inside of you, you find the strength to move on to the next one. It's an ability I never really had.</p><p>(I bet, you're tired from a long hard week)</p><p>I remember how run down the hours used to make me feel. To feel the pain of those victims day in and day out. To know that while you were making a difference there, somewhere else someone was dying and you were never going to be able to keep death from happening. I know it wears on you and that without me, you have no one to let it all out to. I wish I could be there to share that burden with you again. To hold you and remind you that no matter what evils you see every day, that you will always be loved and cherished by me.</p><p>(I bet, you're sittin' in your chair by the window, looking out at the city)</p><p>I hope the city is calming you instead of me right now. I hope you are finding peace in that nighttime silence that you love so much and that it helps give you the strength you need to continue doing what you do, without me.</p><p>(And I hope, sometimes you wonder 'bout me)</p><p>But I also hope that as you sit there, your mind wanders back to me from time to time. That you remember the feeling of my embrace around you as we stood there looking out into the night. How much I truly love you and will always love you, no matter how things ended between us. That despite everything, I will never and could never stop loving you. And while I know you might still be angry with me, I hope that one day you will be able to think of me on a night like tonight. Think of all our time together, not just the end.</p><p>Think of me, and smile.</p>
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